Sunday, May 31, 2009

FASHION ADVICE From the Fashionably Challenged Part 1

Debbie, at Suburb Sanity did a post the other day called Fashion in the Suburbs. It just really cracked me up and I had to steal the idea to do my own version. (It isn't plagiarism if you say where you got the idea from, is it?)

1. Who is your fashion icon?

I've always been fashionably challenged. I've NEVER gone with the styles or the latest trends. (After all, you can only go SO far with black). Although my looks have have varied over the years, what stands out the most in my mind is "The Bag Lady" look. There's nothing like a long skirt, multiple layers of length shirts and hiking boots to give you that "I bet no one else will be wearing the same outfit as I am" feeling.

And even though I still wear them, I especially LOVED my Jackie O sunglasses back in the 90's, when everyone else was wearing the John Lennon ones.

2. What piece of clothing could you NOT live without?

Well, I changed this to what accessory could you not live without? I don't see how any woman can get through the day without her lipstick stencil!

3. What is your definition of "Couture"?

According to it is, "being, having or suggesting the style, quality of a fashion designer; very fashionable".

I was sure it was the name of the guy on "The Dukes of Hazzard" that drove around in a pick-up truck and had a crush on Daisy Duke.

4. Your thoughts on East Style West Style.

There's way too much useless information floating around in my head, to add anything else like this.

5. Your advise on how to be comfortable in your own skin.

Don't be a Chameleon! (but don't be a Boy George either!)



Thursday, May 28, 2009

Random Thoughts

Random thoughts. I can't help but laugh as I write that title. Isn't that what 95% of all my posts should be titled? (By the way FYI- Did you know that 87.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot?)

Anyway....OK, randomness....

1.I'm still sitting here from last night. I'm just a WEE bit sore and cannot move...... JK

2. One day I'm going to get my HTML to end up in the right place ...well, maybe. I won't hold my breath.

3. Would som
eone please come over and clean out all the clutter that has accumulated around here?

4. The last day of school is June 12. That is exactly 16 days, 23 hours, 48 minutes and 19 seconds from this writing, 18 seconds.....17.....16.....15.....14.....*sigh* (note the school bus on my header. I have a love hate relationship with it. Love it in the AM...not so much in the PM.)

5. I'm tired. I have been looking for a Tuesday guest star song to say how tired I am but the only one I can find is the one from the movie Blazing Saddles, where Madeline Khan sings about how tired she is. If yo
u've seen it, you know that it really wouldn't be in the best of taste. But she is so tired

6. Monkeys Really AREN'T That Funny.

7. About 3 months ago, we made a huge investment. We started a vending machine business. Bought 5 very nice machines that hold
over 400 items...including canned drinks, bottled drinks, chips, snacks, desserts, and entrees. It's called the Office Deli.

8. I'll take walking into a 900 degree, fully engulfed with flames, smoke filled building over working with family any day!!

9. Intentional randomness doesn't come as naturally as plain old randomness.

10. Where's the Beef?

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

There's Always Room For Jello.....Part 1

Why is it that no matter how full you are, that there's always room for Jello?

That is the question that people have pondered for generations. I decided to go on a quest to find the answer. I decided to walk from one end of the the nation to the other. What I found was that all across the n
ation, it's the Pepsi generation. I, personally, am a diet coke fan.

I stopped and asked an owl but all he kept saying was that it takes 3 bites to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop.

Not only w
as that NOT the quest I was on, but also, it isn't true. Even as he was saying it I knew he was in trouble because it's not nice to fool Mother Nature. I knew she was around somewhere because like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. She appeared out of nowhere and loudly demanded, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin!". I'm sure he was a nice owl but nothing comes between me and my I got out of there as quickly as possible.

As I continued on I came to a c
ute little house. Inside was a mom and her 2 children. She was cooking dinner and it smelled delicious. "Where's the Beef?", I asked. She informed me that she had planned on making 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, but then she changed her mind and made Rice-A-Roni, The San Francisco treat. I asked her what I could do to help. She said "Shake and Bake......and I helped!". It was so good that even her son liked it. Hey Mikey, He likes it! Unfortunately, afterwards I didn't feel very well. Luckily, Plop Plop Fizz Fizz, Oh what a relief it is. Surprisingly, even then....there was still room for Jello.

When it was time to go, I asked Calgon to take me away. The lady gave me a Coke and a smile and I was on my way again.

As I walked I stepped on something sticky. I was stuck on Band-Aid, cause Band-Aid's stuck on me. I felt rather silly but sometimes you feel like a nut.....sometimes you don't. As I was hopping up and down on one foot, trying to get the Band-Aid off, (which, by the way, should have been so easy that even a cave man could have done it), anyway, I accidentally bumped into a rabbit who was enjoying some peanut butter. It was Jif, to be specific. Choosy mothers choose Jif. The candy bar I was eating fell in
to his jar. "You got chocolate in my peanut butter!" he exclaimed. That, of course, was ridiculous. Anyone could tell that he had gotten peanut butter on my chocolate. "Silly Rabbit", I said. "Trix are for kids". But we tasted it and both of us exclaimed....."T-H-E-Y're GGGGGrrrrrrrrEAT!"

Then we dan
ced in a ring around the collar because 4 out of 5 dentists recommend Crest. Alas, it was time to go. So I did.

I came across 2 men that were arguing. One was yelling, "It's my money! And I want it NOW!" There wa
s no way I was going to get involved with this. So I kept going and going and going and going....

I know that the answer to my question is out there somewhere. I will find out. My quest will not be in vain. I will find out why there is always room for jello. But not today. B
ut I'm done for today. I'm tired and You Deserve A Break Today....

(to be continued at another another time...I'm not sure when.....but definitely to be day....probably soon.....but not tomorrow....and probably not before my next post....but it's coming...of that I am sure!)

And now a word from our sponsors.....

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Evolution of Tanning

When I was a teenager, every year when the weather started to get warmer and the days started to get longer, I just KNEW that that would be THE year. The year when I too, would have "it".

Remember the days before thoughts of skin cance
r, wrinkles and all the other sun related traumas were on anyone's mind? I would see those girls, who would start laying out in the sun as soon as the temperature raised above 60 degrees, and I would make up my mind that I was going to have it. What was "it"? The PERFECT TAN. THE COPPERTONE TAN.

Alas, it wasn't me
ant to be.

I tried. At about 11:00 AM, I would gather my
lawn chair, towel, radio, book and water. I would go into the back yard, check out the best direction to lay where the sun would give me that perfect tan, position my chair, find the perfect radio station, lay down, and wait for the sun to turn me into the golden goddess of my dreams. I would lay there and imagine how dark I was getting, every now and then checking for tan lines and sweating. After what felt like hours, my ADHD would kick in. I would reposition, try to read (which is impossible in the bright sun), take a sip of water and then decide that I had probably been out there for at least 2 hours. That would be enough for the first day. I would gather up all my belongings, go inside, look at the clock, and it would be around 11:15 AM. I MIGHT have done that twice, at the most, each year.

There had to be another way.

Then one year someone told me that Baby Oil was
perfect to achieve the perfect tan. I slathered myself up, forced myself to stay outside for more than 15 minutes and the results were....well.... painful.

Then I heard about self tanning lotions. For the first few years that self tanners were on the market, they had one slight problem. Orange wasn't exactly the color I was aiming for.

Before tanning beds became popular, there was this "contraption" where you would go stand in a little booth and it would zap you with somewhere near a zillion times the strenghth of the sun in just 4 minutes. You had to wear these googles that looked like they were straight out of the movie Alien. Well, this was great. Now I had the "baby oil" tan with racoon eyes.

Then I discovered the tanning beds. They worked like a charm. You would lay there for 10-15 minutes at a time and after a few visits you would have a golden beautiful tan. The Coppertone Tan. The "Perfect Tan". And yes, for a few years I did that. Being someone that does everything to the extreme (bet you never guessed that about me), I would go to the tanning booth every day or every other day and I had The Perfect Tan.

As the years went by, people got wiser to the dangers of too much sun exposure. Now that I had finally achieved The Perfect Tan, it was no longer en vogue. That is when the "Spray-On Tanning Booths" started to show up. You stand in a booth and it sprays you with a fine mist of coloring that lasts about a week. The problem with this is, you must heavily slather certain parts of your body, (palms, ankles, elbows) with lotion or you will not tan evenly. I never could get that "just right". Even with the new and improved self-tanning lotions that you do at home, I still got the same effect.For a few years after that, I went back to the tanning booths. I did it in moderation and it looked like things were going to work out great from then on. MODERATION....what a novel idea!

As the years went by, everything seemed fine. Then, quite unexpectedly (and horrifyingly) I noticed the tanning beds weren't tanning me the same way. As I lay there on my back, imaging the golden tan I was getting, gravity took over. GRAVITY. A four letter word!

Because of gravity, as I laid there on my back, there w
ere places that were not getting tanned. Suddenly "something" was causing shadows. If I have to explain that to you, well, you're too young and I'm going to let you find out for yourself.

What's a woman to do?
If you think about it, what's the big deal?
So what if my legs glow in the dark?
Who cares?

I've noticed as I've gotten older that it really doesn't matter.
Yes, my skin is very white.
I suppose it's my Irish ancestry. We tend to be fa
ir skinned...except for our red noses.
I say "Stand Proud!"

Who needs the hassle?

Then again, it is a beautiful day out today. I wonder where that baby oil is?

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I Knew

I knew.

I knew even before I realized that I knew (does that make sense)..

hhmmm... Monkey's are Funny.

But I knew.
You would have known.
He should have known.
I've seen it before.
He's seen it before.
Even YOU, my bloggy friends have seen it before.

The words may change, but we all know that it will happen. It it inevitable!

It isn't like it's the first time I told him to clean his room.
It wasn't even the first time that day.
As a matter of fact, it was at least the 3rd time that day.
But I looked in there and the mess was still there.

He should have known.
After all, he does know that once it starts, there is no turning back.
Well, he's sorry now.
But it's too late.
The wheels were in motion.

If only....if only...

The only thing you had to do was clean your room.
But you waited and now my thoughts are starting to zoom.
You thought it wouldn't happen, you should never assume.
But the words in my head are starting to bloom.
Your room is a mess, it's the epitome of gloom.

There's even leftover snacks that you didn't consume.
Once you clear the floor your going to need to vacuum.

There's a spiders web, I'll get you the broom.
Your floor's so dirty you could grow a mushroom.

You never even wear that pirate hat with the plume.

There's really no reason for you to fume.
I'm not the one who's room is dingy as a tomb.
It looks like the result of a sonic boom.

Look! There's your old cars that you played vroom vroom,
& From 2 years ago, there that Halloween costume.
There's a piocture of us on the park log flume.

Opps, we're getting sidetracked it is time to resume.
Yes, I mean you, if I didn't then whom?
You thought I wasn't serious, but you should never presume.

One day youll be married and you'll be a groom.
Your wife won't want to live in the temple of doom.

WAIT, don't throw THAT away it is a family heriloom.
I remember when you were a baby, and you were in my womb.
Hey don't look at me like that, the thought is sweet as perfume.

You want to do it yourself?
You want me to leave?
You promise you'll get it done?

Yes, you can listen to your music, even turn up the volume.

(mission accomplished)
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Sunday, May 3, 2009

It's A Bird! It's A Plane!!...No, That was Definitely A Bird

I have a close family member who is a detective. He does detective work and also routine traffic work. I admire him and love to hear about his adventures.

He drives in an unmarked car. Once he was going down the road and he pulled up next to a "lady" at a stop light. Her license plates were expired. He decided to just let her know about it and drive on. Her window was down so he kindly rolled his down and said, "Excuse me, I just thought I'd let you know your license plate tags are expired." A "lady" (or even a decent person) would have probably responded with something like, "Thank You" or "Oh, I wasn't aware. Thanks". Or something like that. This young "lady" however, responded by looking him in the eye and putting up that finger as she drove off. (You know the finger I'm talking about. The one that Doesn't mean Have A Nice Day).

Anyway, he smiled back at her, let her pull ahead of him, got behind her, turned on his lights and siren, pulled her over, and gave her a ticket for her expired license tags. WAHAHAHA!!

Can you image the feeling she had when she realized she had just saluted an officer? Whatever she felt, she deserved.

As for one liners, when he approached the vehicle, she said to him, "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know you were a cop!".

Maybe if we all treated everyone as if they could give us a ticket for being rude and obnoxious, the world would be a better place.

Have a Wonderful Day!