Thursday, September 17, 2009
First In...Last Out ... The Conclusion
As I am sitting here trying to get the words to come, the fire truck just rode by my house and blew the horn. Earlier today, it was the engine that did the same thing. 2 different shifts and I doubt either knew the other was doing it. So was that God's way of saying, "Don't give up. You can do it!"? No, it may have been the crews saying it, but that's just because they think if they say it enough, I'll be able to
If you want, go back and read part one of my story and this will make a bit more sense. Click Here.
I've been struggling with this decision for the past year. There is no getting around it. If I were to continue doing what I love to do, someone is going to get hurt, because of me.
In training we are taught to "Work Smart...Not Hard.". And it is true that if you work smart, the physical part is less difficult. But, realistically, it still takes its toll on your body. It used to be that when I was actually doing the work, it didn't hurt at all....only later. Then eventually, it hurt WHILE I was doing the work. And the truth is, even when it did hurt, I didn't care because I loved doing it so much. But now, well...
I just can't do it any more.
That was a humbling sentence to write.
I admit I was proud when I wore my uniform. But not proud like I was better than anyone else. Just a feeling of self confidence. Pride like a soldier might feel when he puts on his uniform.
I have Degenerative Disc Disease.
The bottom disc in my back has crumbled to a non repairable condition.
The disc over that one has begun to crumble.
The gel (*complicated medical term*) between the discs is almost completely gone in places.
I have severe fibromyalgia.
The Carpal Tunnel Syndrome that I had surgery for (in both hands) has come back and is as bad, if not worse, than it was before. My hands have that "asleep" feeling after just 1-2 minutes of lifting them. I drop things.
I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I have migraines.
Oh and don't forget there is the ADHD (I actually think that has been an asset in some situations.).
There is never a time when something isn't hurting....a lot.
Would you really want to have to rely on me to save your life? Of course not. You know I would give it everything I've got. But unfortunately, I just don't have that much to give anymore.
I'm just not sure what happens now. I know there are lots of opportunities.
There just aren't any that give me even a spark of what being a firefighter did. (spark, ha, excuse the pun).
There is this lost feeling that I have now. Wandering aimlessly.
On the other hand, there's always laundry to be done and floors to vacuum.
OK, I've said all of that and gotten it out of my system. I just didn't want you all thinking I was out there at night saving lives and saving my sanity, when actually I am home doing, um, doing.... doing whatever it is I do.
SO, that is that.
This isn't a pity party. This isn't a whine-fest. This is just the way it is.
By tomorrow.....ok, I doubt by tomorrow because I won't be posting by then. But by my next post we'll be singing Cat in the Hat, discussing the joys of ADHD, rattleing on endlessly about teenagers, talking about the genius computer skills I have (not), and perhaps even write a song. Or at the very least join together for a chorus of Veggie Tales. After all I'm still wondering "Where is my hairbrush?"
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most times, which produced impressive callouses on his feet. He ate very little, making him rather frail. With his odd diet, he also suffered from bad breath.
Do you know What this Made Him?
A Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis!.....indobedibly
And with that my good friends, I bid you good night. (this may be posting at 6:30 AM but as I am finishing it now and it is a bit past 2:00AM. I need to get to bed!
MyADHDMe (Former Firefighter) :(